M.O.M.S.

New Ghost Busters game looks pretty cool.

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Phil
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P.S. This blog post is dedicated to Russ

The word you are looking for, (and many of you wont know that you’re looking for it but believe me, you are), is “ZOMG!!1!”.

They’re making a ‘Thick of It’ movie, called ‘In the Loop’, and if you’ve not seen the brilliant TV show ‘Thick of It’, you should do, and then come see the film… which apparently is out now :-o

Be good.

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Phil
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Every now and again, I wake up in the night and just need to check:

http://www.hasthelhcdestroyedtheearth.com/

Phew!
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Phil
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No no, I’m not talking about breathing out.  The other kind of aspirations – the ambition stuff, to aspire to be, to… well, let’s have a dictionary definition eh?  No expense sparred around here!

Dictionary.com tells us…

as⋅pi⋅ra⋅tion
1. A strong desire, longing, or aim; ambition
2. A goal or objective desired

And the urban dictionary adds…

aspire
1. To perspire around the area of the ass. Usually occurs between cheeks in temperate conditions or during exercise.
Leads to loss of body fluids, resulting in the need for rehydration.
Has been known to leave an arse-shaped residue on plastic chairs, which may lead to public humiliation, social disintegration and polarisation. Be warned.

So there you are. 

Russ said over lunch today that people lose their aspirations when they reach a certain age –  that age might be different for everyone, but at some point you’re not bothered about being more than you are.  Harsh eh?  I think I prefer to flip that round and say at some point people can become content with life, they realise the value of what’s around them and what they’ve accomplished.  He asked me if I thought I’d ever reach the point where I don’t aspire and without hesitation I replied ‘No’.  I surprised myself there if I’m honest - I thought that was an odd reply for me… because… I don’t feel like I’m aspiring much, and if I am, I don’t know what I’m aspiring to, but with 100% self assurance I blurted out a ‘no’, and the realisation of why I did so was in some way more hollow a thought than the alternative.  I think I’ll always aspire to be more than I am, because, and I’m kinda opening up here more than I like to do, because on a very deep level, I don’t believe I will ever feel content with what I am.  Those words are carefully selected there… I think a lot of people aren’t content with who they are, and I don’t think I’m one of those people.  I’m like who I am, but I don’t think I’ll ever be content with what I am.

This train of thought comes off the back of some longer term thought and provoked most recently by a group of people down south who I did church with a few weekends back.  They were thinking about who they are – who, when you take of all the labels you wear – who you are to everyone else and the ‘off the shelf’ identities that you’ve poured yourself into the shape of and cling to so strongly… when you stop being your job, or the friend of your friends, or the partner of your partner, or your nationality… when you’re completely on your own in the middle of nowhere special with nothing to do but be… who are you.  And I gave that some thought… and chatting with the others about it afterwards I came to a point where I think I know who I am, or at least, I’m in touch with who I am – but, there was something that felt out of joint when I stripped off those labels to get at the me that’s left.  It evaded me for a little while, then I figured out the problem was the labels.  In my mind here, the labels are the ‘What’ I am, while the me without labels is ‘Who’, and in my life, the ‘What’ contradicts with the ‘Who’. 

If that makes sense. 

I don’t like what my work contributes to.  Sure – I make a difference when I can and like to think I have a positive influence in decision making that would otherwise be less tempered by… well… I play the games so I can win the odd round.  Anyone with any element to politics in their job will identify with that I think.  And it’s not all bad either – there’s some good in the service portfolio of my work, in fact it has to be at it’s core or no-one would need us and we’d have no business full stop, but it’s just littered with so much other stuff that is perhaps slightly less… based on best intentions.  I suppose that’s business.  I’m just saying I think sometimes we don’t do all we can do in the best interests of peoples lives, though sure, if we did we probably wouldn’t be around for long. But in my personal work remit and how it feels… well the truth is, what few situations I can push positively in, are vastly outweighed by how good I am at my job in the rest of the situations.  I’m not exactly making a legacy of my life… I think that’s why I treasure my time at e8 so highly.  Sure I was poor, very poor, and it wasn’t a sustainable life perhaps, but through all our trials and tribulations, the lean months and the hard sweat… we know, (potentially on the rarest occasions on a global and lasting scale), we know we did some good in this world, in some peoples lives, and it was my honour to be part of those things.  But that’s not what I am now, and maybe that’s ok… but… there’s a part of ‘Who’ I am that demands that.

I had this sussed.  I figured it out before, when I was deciding what to do post-London and if you recall I went to join the RAF.  While we’re being a bit more open than usual, and since I don’t suppose it matters anymore, MOD had been the goal for a long time.  Even going to London, working for e8 was a short term arrangement at first.  Six months to one year I confessed in my initial lunch/interview with Matt to be my commitment limit, and I explained my ongoing application to GCHQ.  That application was moved to MI5, and I interviewed at two stages for a position with them.  I didn't get the post, and there was a day when I walked through the streets of London city heavily weighed down by the knowledge I’d never get to retry that process again, and the aspiration to be what I knew I could have been had to slip away and let me lift my head to fresh ambitions.  I decided where I was (elucid8) had at least been a good thing in the world, and refocused to commit there longer.  When I left to force myself to find a next step, I found the RAF and I realised there was another chance to do the job I knew I was made for.  It’d be harder, and it’d have more strings attached in ways I was less equipped to deal with, but it was a plan for my life that fulfilled who and what I was and could be, and could be good at.  And it didn’t come to pass. 

So, now I wear the only labels that were to hand, and like everything I try to wear them well… but… it’s not who I am.  I don’t know there’s a way to ever be that now, not completely – not all day – and that can’t be unique to me.  You can miss it sometimes, you do.  And you know it’s not so bad – it’s like I said – at some point in your life, even if you don’t meet those aspirations – you become content.  Because life isn’t really about your plan, or what you think you’re going to be.  You don’t happen to life, life happens to you – and one day you’ll have a loving family and a community who are part of you and you’ve brought safety and security and provision to your loved ones and you realise life worked out pretty well despite your best plans.  But I’m not sure I count on that.  I’ll never stop aspiring, because I have nothing but my aspirations to be content by.  And what stopped me in my tracks this lunch time at that realisation, was that I don’t see a way to meet those aspirations anymore. 

But… it’s not an entirely bad thing.  I mean, it sucks, sure. It’s that afternoon in London city all over again and it’s heavy, and it even hurts a little.  But just like then, it’s not just an end – it’s a challenge to find something new.  New aspirations.  A lot of doors are closed to me – I can’t serve the public in an establishment pretty much full stop, but that doesn’t mean I’ve no way to make my mark, or rise to something… useful… to someone.  Maybe it’s a simple as nurturing the heart and giving another thought to becoming someones’ special someone.  There’s a lot of stuff I packed away at various points because they weren’t convenient or I didn't quite see how they’d fit in at the time… and maybe there’s something more to those things.  I’m not over the loss of my MoD ambitions, truth be told it fills me with sadness to think about it, but I’ll get there, and at the same time, I’m looking forward to what else can now be.

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Phil
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Yup – we have competitions here now :)  I did say 5 points for everything you could name on this stand and since there was a response it’d be rude not to crown someone for their victory.

So here’s the original picture, and I’ll tell you what they are from top to bottom…

Top Shelf:

Fallout Pip-Boy Bobble Head

  Japanese Dancing Robot

  Empire State Building with magnetic bendy monkey on top

Next Shelf Down:

  Remote Control Helicopter

  3 Magnetic Bendy Monkeys on a banana shaped tin

Next Shelf Down:

  A trophy for a Micro-Lighting competition

  Fallout Tin Lunchbox

  A dragon dagger sort of thing on matching stand

Admittedly beyond that point I couldn't recognise the objects myself and I know what they should be.  Anyway, I was inundated with entries and it’s taken a good 2 weeks to mark them all and then of those who got the highest points, held a fully regulated prize draw, to finally come to declare our winner.  Ok… so MJ was the only person and wins by default – but don’t let that make this victory feel any less complete John – you rock! :-D

And this has been a cheap excuse for an easy post :-D

Until next time, be good!
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Phil
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