Well I was going to post a reply to Carl’s blog post last week, “Two Views on the EU”, but I figured, since I haven’t blogged in so long, I’d step up the beat of the response a bit and make it a blog of my own.

Naturally, I’m going to play devils advocate here and take an opposite slant on the issue – I think generally despite the title, the article was pro-Europe and while I once was pro-EU myself, I think I’ve come to a place of being EU-neutral, maybe even a little against in it’s current form, but before I get all feverous on the subject I’ll say clearly I’m not as anti-EU as I might suggest here – in my WoW days I even lived in ‘EU time’ since I played on EU servers with people from all over Europe, my days were an hour offset to my British friends clocks, and I’ve even dated a Spaniard (who was very very very pro-EU).  See – I like the EU in some respects.  It’d be more accurate to say I sympathise with this view point, but I’m putting it forward because if you’re going to call your post “Two views…” the second view should get a plug (ziiing :-P).

I’d like to start by suggesting not all anti-EU voices can be summarised as a selfish view.  Or it can only to a lesser extent that you might call all pro-EU views the “Naive View”, since I often find pro-EU people guilty of incredible idealism.  That said, I’ll concede a common criticism against the EU is the cost, but euro-sceptics don’t believe for one minute if we pulled out of the EU our tax would reduce and that money would end up in their own pockets – they’re only as selfish as ‘wanting the money spent on our grandparents or the education of the little ones’, which is hardly as evil a desire as the pet name ‘selfish’ makes you feel about it.  You might have meant these view make us a selfish collective as a nation but a reader is likely to, on some level, link selfish with the singular euro-sceptic from this word choice and intended or not, that’s not really fair.

That behind us, let’s get down to cold turkey.  To put some real numbers to it, the UK spent €6,689,900,000 on net EU contributions in 2007.  That’s after you’ve taken out what we get back in the British rebate and for subsidies that have come back from the pot of cash in Brussels. 
6.6 Thousand Million euro’s (or 6 billion if you’re American).  A little side point here – it’s a shame that the unit ‘billion’ when referring to British matters is all but useless on the net, since it’s sometimes hard to tell if the author uses billion in the US (and what is slowly becoming the norm in the UK) sense, “1,000,000,000”, and sometimes uses it in the traditional British sense, “1,000,000,000,000”, but nay mind. 

Where were we?  Ah yes, €6,689,900,000.  Now I could rattle of some rather capitalising numbers on just how many schools, hospitals, teachers, nurses, trains, buses, armour plates for our military choppers, or any other investment you might consider a good thing that this money could otherwise be spent on.  This amount remember is not the total we’ve put in over the years – it’s just 2007’s figure – and if trends have held were probably putting in more like 10,000,000,000EU by now.  We could even pay off some of our national debt, create much better pensions and care homes for the elderly, or underwrite a bank or two if we really must.  But I’ll be honest here and point out that €10,000,000,000 isn’t as massive an amount as it sounds.  If we split it on the UK’s pensioners for example, it comes down to each of them having just less than £100/month extra in their pension.  Of course £100 to an individuals monthly income isn’t nothing, especially to someone on a dismal UK state pension, and, we wouldn't actually split it down amongst them all equally or in fact, split most of it at all – instead it could be far more effectively spent on services and infrastructure that could serve larger groups of pensioners in more economical uses of the money.  So it’s enough money to meet the needs of our parents and grandparent who’ve worked hard all their lives and deserve some dignity and comfort in their retirement, but keeping it in perspective, let’s point out that’s all it could do.  We couldn’t invest in the NHS and pensions and police and communities and the military and yadda yadda yadda… It’s enough to make a noticeable difference on one national issue, not to cure all our ills, but still – it’s not something to throw away.

Of course it’s easier for people who don’t need that money, or who receive sufficient amounts of state money already to call any euro-sceptic foolish for wanting this money to be spent on our grandparents or children, but that seems a bit unfair.  It gets even more unfair when you look at how the Euro-contributions/payouts are decided.  It’s based on several measurements, but one is GDP, and another is money spent on collected through various taxes.  Of course, some nations have higher tax rates than others, and though some have higher GDP’s others have higher public spending and lower GDP’s.  Spain’s a good example, since it’s a net recipient of EU money to the tune of €52,000,000+/year, it has a massive amount of state provided jobs, all it’s pensions are safely provided for, and a the public enjoy subsidized and free national services and products so they don’t need as big a GDI to maintain a comfortable standard of living.  Sure we have an NHS too, and you can argue whether EU net recipients NHS’s are better or worse than ours on the whole, but to have ours we build up substantial national debt, so the truth is, we can’t really afford all out subsidies, and even with them, how expensive is public transport compared to its’ counterparts in Spain?  Should a net recipient of the EU not really have a higher degree of national debt that the net contributors?  Or lower public subsidies?  Not as an enforced rule, just… shouldn’t that kind of effect logically follow?  But it doesn’t.  And that’s a good indication this view of ‘rich’ and ‘poor’ nations of the EU isn’t all that brilliantly thought out.  If the UK is first allowed to deal with it’s own expenditure to create a standard of living for it’s citizens that is equal to their continental brothers and sisters, without adding to our national debt, and then whatever a nation has in above that is what we apply the contribution formula to…. that would seem fairer to me.  And just more responsible from a fiscal investment point of view – if it’s not clear to you by now – WE DON’T HAVE THIS MONEY WE’RE SPENDING, and that’s going to be a world of pain for everyone in the world if we don’t start being more realistic with our budget.

So even if it were selfish, it’s not money we have, and it’s not yours to give away anyway.

And now the idealism.  Oh the idealism.  I can understand people buying into the dream.  I do, as a matter of fact, want the EU to work.  In fact it may have to if we’re to compete in world trade against the US and the BRIC’s (Brazil, Russia, India, and China) when it comes to manufacture and trade.  More over, there’s a stability aspect, political and social homogenisation aimed at reducing potential conflict, especially violent conflict both between member states as well as between a member and non-members.  There is an aim to teach each other, and help one another keep in perspective – to hear each others voices so we can provide a friends advise that can save your country from blindly walking into avoidable fights.  Our social sharing is designed to increase diversity in societies to reduce domestic persecution and discord.  And by supporting poorer nations on the eastern side of the EU into industrial development, we’re encouraging all of this, and building them into ‘our team’ so that when they’re strong industrial forces like us they’ll look out for us while we look out for them and ohh wont we all just join hands and skip round the campfire singing ‘Imagine’.  I don’t think you will find anyone who doesn’t wish all of that would happen.  I don’t think any euro-sceptic argues that peace and security are things we don’t want.  And I know that’s what the pro-EU view sells you on.  But it’s not what the EU will provide.  Not in reality.  Accept that first, and you’ll realise it’s not the euro-sceptics you have to work on – it’s the EU itself. 

Make that into the thing it claims to be, and the sceptics will become supporters – but it’s not that they don’t understand or agree with the aims – it’s that they realise they’re not going to get any of it.  As soon as nations who can make good use of the investments have got their economies in a good state of growth – they’ll very happily sign an agreement with India or China instead and leave the EU trade agreements cold, and don’t think for a minute they wont.  I don’t think I even have to will to go into the lessons history has taught us about how ‘artificially advancing’ another nations social thinking never works, and that’s before you go into whether it’s even right to do so anyway – but the social homogenisation is lip service, because the institutions that should enforce their agreed changes are the ones who care least for the change, and so crimes of discrimination simply become unacknowledged other than the odd showcase of change.  It’s not actually happening, and the investment of cash will just be taken without creating this security blanket we’re so happily forking out for.  The dream isn’t shared where it most critically needs to be in order to make it work, and short of interfering with democratic domestic process, you can’t do anything about that with the EU.

Fix the money, make a system that can deliver the dream, and I’m on board.  Give me the pamphlet on “What we hope to achieve some day in our dream world” and hand fistfuls of our cash of the money we’re borrowing to stay in the game over to nations who need it no more than we do ourselves, and I’m afraid I can’t respect your intentions, no mater how noble I believe them to be.

Alright – I’ll wrap up now.  All this political dissidence can exhaust a man.  Hopefully there’s been some points of worth for your careful consideration.

New Ghost Busters game looks pretty cool.

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Phil
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P.S. This blog post is dedicated to Russ

The word you are looking for, (and many of you wont know that you’re looking for it but believe me, you are), is “ZOMG!!1!”.

They’re making a ‘Thick of It’ movie, called ‘In the Loop’, and if you’ve not seen the brilliant TV show ‘Thick of It’, you should do, and then come see the film… which apparently is out now :-o

Be good.

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Phil
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Every now and again, I wake up in the night and just need to check:

http://www.hasthelhcdestroyedtheearth.com/

Phew!
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Phil
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No no, I’m not talking about breathing out.  The other kind of aspirations – the ambition stuff, to aspire to be, to… well, let’s have a dictionary definition eh?  No expense sparred around here!

Dictionary.com tells us…

as⋅pi⋅ra⋅tion
1. A strong desire, longing, or aim; ambition
2. A goal or objective desired

And the urban dictionary adds…

aspire
1. To perspire around the area of the ass. Usually occurs between cheeks in temperate conditions or during exercise.
Leads to loss of body fluids, resulting in the need for rehydration.
Has been known to leave an arse-shaped residue on plastic chairs, which may lead to public humiliation, social disintegration and polarisation. Be warned.

So there you are. 

Russ said over lunch today that people lose their aspirations when they reach a certain age –  that age might be different for everyone, but at some point you’re not bothered about being more than you are.  Harsh eh?  I think I prefer to flip that round and say at some point people can become content with life, they realise the value of what’s around them and what they’ve accomplished.  He asked me if I thought I’d ever reach the point where I don’t aspire and without hesitation I replied ‘No’.  I surprised myself there if I’m honest - I thought that was an odd reply for me… because… I don’t feel like I’m aspiring much, and if I am, I don’t know what I’m aspiring to, but with 100% self assurance I blurted out a ‘no’, and the realisation of why I did so was in some way more hollow a thought than the alternative.  I think I’ll always aspire to be more than I am, because, and I’m kinda opening up here more than I like to do, because on a very deep level, I don’t believe I will ever feel content with what I am.  Those words are carefully selected there… I think a lot of people aren’t content with who they are, and I don’t think I’m one of those people.  I’m like who I am, but I don’t think I’ll ever be content with what I am.

This train of thought comes off the back of some longer term thought and provoked most recently by a group of people down south who I did church with a few weekends back.  They were thinking about who they are – who, when you take of all the labels you wear – who you are to everyone else and the ‘off the shelf’ identities that you’ve poured yourself into the shape of and cling to so strongly… when you stop being your job, or the friend of your friends, or the partner of your partner, or your nationality… when you’re completely on your own in the middle of nowhere special with nothing to do but be… who are you.  And I gave that some thought… and chatting with the others about it afterwards I came to a point where I think I know who I am, or at least, I’m in touch with who I am – but, there was something that felt out of joint when I stripped off those labels to get at the me that’s left.  It evaded me for a little while, then I figured out the problem was the labels.  In my mind here, the labels are the ‘What’ I am, while the me without labels is ‘Who’, and in my life, the ‘What’ contradicts with the ‘Who’. 

If that makes sense. 

I don’t like what my work contributes to.  Sure – I make a difference when I can and like to think I have a positive influence in decision making that would otherwise be less tempered by… well… I play the games so I can win the odd round.  Anyone with any element to politics in their job will identify with that I think.  And it’s not all bad either – there’s some good in the service portfolio of my work, in fact it has to be at it’s core or no-one would need us and we’d have no business full stop, but it’s just littered with so much other stuff that is perhaps slightly less… based on best intentions.  I suppose that’s business.  I’m just saying I think sometimes we don’t do all we can do in the best interests of peoples lives, though sure, if we did we probably wouldn’t be around for long. But in my personal work remit and how it feels… well the truth is, what few situations I can push positively in, are vastly outweighed by how good I am at my job in the rest of the situations.  I’m not exactly making a legacy of my life… I think that’s why I treasure my time at e8 so highly.  Sure I was poor, very poor, and it wasn’t a sustainable life perhaps, but through all our trials and tribulations, the lean months and the hard sweat… we know, (potentially on the rarest occasions on a global and lasting scale), we know we did some good in this world, in some peoples lives, and it was my honour to be part of those things.  But that’s not what I am now, and maybe that’s ok… but… there’s a part of ‘Who’ I am that demands that.

I had this sussed.  I figured it out before, when I was deciding what to do post-London and if you recall I went to join the RAF.  While we’re being a bit more open than usual, and since I don’t suppose it matters anymore, MOD had been the goal for a long time.  Even going to London, working for e8 was a short term arrangement at first.  Six months to one year I confessed in my initial lunch/interview with Matt to be my commitment limit, and I explained my ongoing application to GCHQ.  That application was moved to MI5, and I interviewed at two stages for a position with them.  I didn't get the post, and there was a day when I walked through the streets of London city heavily weighed down by the knowledge I’d never get to retry that process again, and the aspiration to be what I knew I could have been had to slip away and let me lift my head to fresh ambitions.  I decided where I was (elucid8) had at least been a good thing in the world, and refocused to commit there longer.  When I left to force myself to find a next step, I found the RAF and I realised there was another chance to do the job I knew I was made for.  It’d be harder, and it’d have more strings attached in ways I was less equipped to deal with, but it was a plan for my life that fulfilled who and what I was and could be, and could be good at.  And it didn’t come to pass. 

So, now I wear the only labels that were to hand, and like everything I try to wear them well… but… it’s not who I am.  I don’t know there’s a way to ever be that now, not completely – not all day – and that can’t be unique to me.  You can miss it sometimes, you do.  And you know it’s not so bad – it’s like I said – at some point in your life, even if you don’t meet those aspirations – you become content.  Because life isn’t really about your plan, or what you think you’re going to be.  You don’t happen to life, life happens to you – and one day you’ll have a loving family and a community who are part of you and you’ve brought safety and security and provision to your loved ones and you realise life worked out pretty well despite your best plans.  But I’m not sure I count on that.  I’ll never stop aspiring, because I have nothing but my aspirations to be content by.  And what stopped me in my tracks this lunch time at that realisation, was that I don’t see a way to meet those aspirations anymore. 

But… it’s not an entirely bad thing.  I mean, it sucks, sure. It’s that afternoon in London city all over again and it’s heavy, and it even hurts a little.  But just like then, it’s not just an end – it’s a challenge to find something new.  New aspirations.  A lot of doors are closed to me – I can’t serve the public in an establishment pretty much full stop, but that doesn’t mean I’ve no way to make my mark, or rise to something… useful… to someone.  Maybe it’s a simple as nurturing the heart and giving another thought to becoming someones’ special someone.  There’s a lot of stuff I packed away at various points because they weren’t convenient or I didn't quite see how they’d fit in at the time… and maybe there’s something more to those things.  I’m not over the loss of my MoD ambitions, truth be told it fills me with sadness to think about it, but I’ll get there, and at the same time, I’m looking forward to what else can now be.

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Phil
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Yup – we have competitions here now :)  I did say 5 points for everything you could name on this stand and since there was a response it’d be rude not to crown someone for their victory.

So here’s the original picture, and I’ll tell you what they are from top to bottom…

Top Shelf:

Fallout Pip-Boy Bobble Head

  Japanese Dancing Robot

  Empire State Building with magnetic bendy monkey on top

Next Shelf Down:

  Remote Control Helicopter

  3 Magnetic Bendy Monkeys on a banana shaped tin

Next Shelf Down:

  A trophy for a Micro-Lighting competition

  Fallout Tin Lunchbox

  A dragon dagger sort of thing on matching stand

Admittedly beyond that point I couldn't recognise the objects myself and I know what they should be.  Anyway, I was inundated with entries and it’s taken a good 2 weeks to mark them all and then of those who got the highest points, held a fully regulated prize draw, to finally come to declare our winner.  Ok… so MJ was the only person and wins by default – but don’t let that make this victory feel any less complete John – you rock! :-D

And this has been a cheap excuse for an easy post :-D

Until next time, be good!
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Phil
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When I woke today I had the geekiest urge I’ve had in a long long time. 

In my younger days I’ve been a keen trek fan, and as adulthood and a lack of new series has set in over the last few years that part of me has become much more of a footnote of my overall personality. 
I’m not sure if it’s because of the new upcoming Start Trek film, or because of the later to come games, including the MMORPG Star Trek Online, but I’ve felt that part of my geeche (it’s like a psyche but for geeks) flicker with the spark of fresh life.

My nephew has also apparently taken an instant liking to Star Trek, and has stolen my old Star Trek TNG VHS tapes.  He’s 4… I think, so he’s starting way earlier than me on that but it’s just as well – I saw started watching Star Trek at about 14 and by the time he’s 14 I’m sure we’ll be onto ‘WhiteBeam’ discs or something, which will be like… full surround 3D atmosphere video shizzle or something, and the thought of watching media designed for a flat screen 520 pixels across will seem as odd to him as playing with a flickbook for more than 10 seconds would seem to me.  Ok.. maybe we wont be quite that far from flat media but still…

It’s not really on YouTube.  There’s clips but you can’t just play the thing as it needs to be played for the game.  I checked a wider web search and found some torrent sites that claimed in search results to have it but in fact didn’t, and not having any torrent software on my PC I wasn’t sure if I’d be bothered enough to fiddle with all that to get an AVI of the video anyway (which is basically what I’m after), so as a last attempt, I searched for official sites to do with the game (funny how the official sites are the last ditch places I’d go to) to see if other people had shared my desire and complained, resulting in readily available solutions.  Turns out people share my desire but there’s no solutions already available, but I did come across the information that a sequel had always been planned too.  Swap out the VHS with a different one and use the same board and pieces to have a totally different game.  That was always the point of Interactive Video Board games, and I started thinking if they did it on DVD they would have also been able to have interactive selection in the footage like DVD menus (which can be inserted between chapters of video easily enough).  I wondered what the next one would be like, if they’d have an extension to the board that you put on the side, if there were a few new pieces, and what the story might be.  Then I realised, ‘why wonder what it might be?’  I could make one.  Get a small cast together, write a short script and play with the games mechanics a bit.  Any video camera, PC, and video editing software is more than sufficient to produce something of the same quality with which the board game video was made (well… except they had the actual sets to use but… we can do something for that problem with easy to use CGI commonly available to plebes like me in this wonderful age)… I wondered which of my friends would be in on such a project and how we could put it up on a website for anyone with the original board game to use with a download and a few printouts to extend the board with.

Then I looked at the list of things I should have been doing this whole time instead of playing with possible story lines and decided I probably wouldn't have time to see a project of this scale through properly. :-(  And it’d be utterly embarrassingly bad even if we did it I’m sure… still… maybe one day when I have more time and less concern about how cheesy it’d be :)  Until then, I’ll just share the thought with you, and sign off.

Be good,
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Phil
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So I’ve moved!  Huzzah!

I now live in Eccles and finally have broadband in.  Still got to sort out some sort of TV signal but I’ve pretty much set my stuff out now.  I took a few snaps for your viewing pleasure:

 
Front Room from the doorway.  This is in ‘max seating’ formation right now – I keep moving it around to make it suit the purpose.

 
Living room from back wall.  My nephew didn’t come with the flat but he came round when I was taking the photo’s and he seemed physically incapable of moving from that spot the entire time.

The hallway.  5 points for every item on that stand you can recognise and name :)

Kitchen.  Yes, yes I know I need to do the washing up – I’m doing it right after this.  The flat’s stayed pretty neat so far but I haven’t washed up from lunch yet and people will keep coming round for tea.

I’m also just putting some clothes away – the bedroom isn’t as untidy as it looks either, honest.  That monitor had to be turned off cos the phone cam wasn’t handling the brightness of the window and monitor too well, but you get the idea.  It swivels round for DVD’s in bed.

This is from a few mates being over on Friday for a quiet night in watching a DVD.  I wanted to show you all because it’s quite an impressive collection for alcohol consumption in my flat.  Sure it doesn’t look that much if it was the work of 4 or 5 guys who weren’t driving home, or 10-12 guys who were, but in fact, I think one friend represents 6 of these, another 2 or 3, while a third mate accounts for the rest all by himself (not the archers – that whole bottle was finished off by one of the girls – seriously… glug glug. *shakes head*).

Anyway, that’s the tour over.  What?  Well of course there’s a bathroom!  Just didn’t photograph it.  If your curiosity gets the better of you and you need to fill in that gap – you’ll just have to come on over.
Be good!
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Phil
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Last week was a pretty big post with a longer comic than usual, which took a fair while to do so this week I am filled with a deep sense of “can’t be arsed”.  Hence I fished the ‘back of a napkin’ style first draft of last weeks comic out of the bin and took a quick crappy photo, dug out some older comics, and spewed none-sense to link it all together to get.  And so…

Mercy On My Soul prouuuuuuudly presents:

*Jazz Hands*

Director: “You can see the 3 strips were originally written as one, and we tried to cut it down to fit in a 3 or 4 panel sequence, and we thought we could just have the first section and leave it to stand on its’ own but at some point Dave, that’s our lead production guy here at MOMS, Dave said ‘Why are we cutting this into a single strip – this is 3 strips – let’s make 3 strips for it.’, and we just all felt so strongly about the story that I don’t think there was really any disagreement with that – it had to be told the way it was meant to be told, and that meant 3 full strips.

“Funding was an issue, a worry I and the producer tried to keep off set as best we could – some of the bigger special effects we had planned had to be cut.  Originally this sequence had budget for 3-colour and I think there was room in there for an animated ‘blowing out’ of the bulb.  All that had to go but we made the three strips up, each separately with their own title lines.  I think early on in post production we knew we were going to chop the titles off the second two strips – we felt the blog post was probably cutting into the flow enough already and we at the comic team didn’t want to add any to that.  Of course in the Signed Collectors DVD Special Directors Cut Extended Edition Box Set, you get all three original strips with titles as well as the merged one piece product before it was cut for blog integration.

“Yeah there’s a little known mistake that slipped by the boys over in post production, well [chuckles] slipped by all of us really but fans love the occasional mistake to spot so we figured we’d leave it out there in release.  It’s in frame 9, which you’ll see here wasn’t in fact in the original script at all – we just improved that whole box on set – sometimes you get the right toons with the right script and that sort of thing just happens and we had great chemistry that day.  Anyway it’s the podcast line and rather embarrassingly there’s a misspelling on the word ‘Commentary’ and I guess we were just so… in the zone, you know, artistically, that nobody noticed it.

“Of course that line was delivered by Bob Michaels, who was a real inspiration throughout the whole thing.  In many ways this was his big brake – he’d been seen before on a comic about public transport, well, he says he was in that – I’m afraid no-one still on the team quite remembers him and we can’t see him on any final production footage from that one but he insists he was on set…

“Either way he didn’t have a speaking part in that strip.  A while after he came up again in a post about lust, but it was one short line – he was very much a small supporting actor to the Lady of that strip, who we all know and love of course, Sally Sonatta – a brilliant actress I’ve had the pleasure to work with a few times. […] Oh… we have a clip?  Do we have a clip?  Sure – yeah play it…

“But yeah, Bob here was really given a much bigger part than he’d ever done before and he just knocked our socks off, which is pretty funny when you consider that he doesn’t even have feet himself. [chuckles]”

Bob: “Yeah I remember the day the curser issued a click event on me and dragged me into that first frame.  I don’t think anyone expected I’d get the part, I know a few others had been tried out before and after me and some of them much bigger stars in MOMS productions but when they dragged me back in and gave me the full script – I just new this role was for me.

“The monologue was terrifying, [laughs], almost as terrifying as balancing on those chairs for the photo-blog panel.  I feel quite strongly an actor should do his own stunts which was handy because there was no budget left for stunt doubles anyway! [laughs]  But yeah the monologue, I think we ended on about… 26 takes before we finally got one we could use.  It wasn’t just the script - I don’t think readers realise how hard it is to act cross panel like that – well – I didn't realise till I was doing it.  Throwing your voice into another frame is pretty tricky and then to completely ‘Fill the Box’ with your voice – remember we were speaking in dark speech bubbles the whole time too, just to throw another thing you have to think about into the mix! [laughs]… it was one of the most testing things I’ve done in my career.  Still we nailed it in the end and the buzz you get when they call a wrap on that sort of scene – it’s what makes this job so… it’s what keep you going for the next panel.”

Director: “Oh I’d love to do more extended productions but budget constraints usually pin us to 3 box’s.  But I wouldn’t rule it out – maybe even longer strips some day or multi-part stories. [chuckles] We’ll use whatever they make available to us – we live for this stuff.”

Alright enough of this silliness.
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Phil
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(To be continued…)

So the economy is in crisis and the world is dangerously unstable.  We’ll see unemployment and inflation rise, interest rates fall and commerce halt.  There’s little to be done about it at this point and every political pundit worth his salt is taking this opportunity to blame the current breed of leaders, and I’m afraid I don’t have a formed opinion to join the mud slinging level of this debate with so I thought we could take a minute to kick a few ideas about on a higher level of economics.
Specifically, our social structure.  Economics you see, is as much a shared perception mutually imposed on the world by anyone who can.  That sentence would be a great one to unpack but I want to move on so I’ll just make the connection that shared perceptions are fostered by our shared societies.  The rules that make people rich or poor are decided by… well… ourselves as a collective whole.  We in the UK are part of the great Capitalist West.  Our society is driven by the ability to better our own wealth and security on an individual level, then a collection of laws is laced over the top of that foundation to cap or muffle the raw and dangerous greed that might bring, and ensure that while the drive to gain more is in place, those who don’t win still find room.
Massive generalisations and a simplistic take sure, but it’s enough to make the point that it’s a system, and then to mention that it’s not the only one.  The other system well known around the Western world is Communism.  A cut down simplistic take on that would probably say that in Communism, private wealth is much harder come by, and the focus is on everyone working equally hard in whatever they do for the good of the state.  Total wealth is divided equally… well… let’s just go with that… and so a cobbler is paid the same as a doctor.  Both work, both get a share of the pie.  Here the emphasis is on all things being to build up the state, and that if everyone is given only what they need, then there is less waste, and the society as a whole is stronger and more luxury can be added to all.

There’s a lot of problems with both.  Socialism, to go a step further than Communism and in fairness, I probably better described Socialism back there, lacks personal incentive that drives entrepreneurs, while Capitalism suffers from a degenerating cycle as the total amount of real resource slowly diminishes against the amount of printed money.  We’re going into a recession, if not a depression right now, and this is nothing unexpected or surprising.  It’s quite predicable and it’s happened time and time again.  So I was kicking about the issues in my head one night when I got bored of pinning down the paradox’s if Capitalist society and decided it’d be all together easier to start from scratch.  By this time it was late and I wanted to go to sleep so I didn’t get far, but I’m going to go back at it now with keyboard under fingers and share the raw drivel as it comes out my brain so we can all share in the joy of my wasted time. :)

(More continuation to come!)

At first I started off by considering Socialism.  I mean.. I like it – who doesn’t in a ‘airy-fairy’ kind of way.  It’s the idea that everyone works to better each other and they cuddle each other and make wuzzy wuzzy noises all day long.  It’s never really lived up to the expectations but the idea’s lovely, and, perhaps inescapable, because the population is rising yet the need for labour is diminishing as technology aids our industrial production levels of all things.  Imagine a world not far from now where robotics and AI handle so very much manual and service labour that all jobs of that type disappear.  In many senses it’s happened to a few industries in the last century – but anyone who follows the news of tech will tell you what’s come before is truly nothing to what we’ll see.  What can you do then with all that extra population and no need for the labour?  You need an institutionally intentional ‘dolist’ section of society.  A section of society who are not expected to gain employment but to live on state provision.  And why not?  If there’s enough resource produced by automated process’, only a minority, who would live much wealthier lives for the trouble, need to work.  What can happen here is for the wealth gap to become enormous, or resources like food become scarce and expensive and at best the dolist are forced to rioting and more likely war comes about.  So you can have socialism, with very limited benefit for the working few, but then who’d want to do the rubbish jobs?  And whatever way you play it population will grow till it over burdens the resource… no… no… I’m getting lost down this path.  We could add in some population control but I’m seeing a very dark and unrestful civilisation coming about from all this good intention – I just don’t think it’ll work.

(Three part comic today!  Oh how I spoil you)

I don’t think adding a dash of Capitalism will make things any better, but we do need to address the motivation factor as well as the ‘occupying the masses’ issue.  Working people have a lot less time to riot in the streets and with income dependant on work because food is privately owned by people who make a living selling it… they have to go to work to get it.  But Capitalism has a problem when it passes one generation to the next.  The following generation have the previous generations wealth and so aren’t as motivated to work to maintain it, nor as worried about losing it until it’s gone, because there is less experience of hardship to fear.  The churn I eluded to before is also a problem.  Capitalism works by you getting paid by your employer for making blocks in a factory, then you go to the shop and buy those blocks with that money, which passes it back to your employer so he can pay you to make more blocks.  It’s churn, and there’s no real money exchanging hands.  Sure you don’t buy your employers products, you by someone else’s employers products but they buy the things you spent your working life making so it all balances out.  The money… which is just paper in many ways, just moves around like an endless street magicians ball and 3 cups trick.  Each generation finds it harder to balance the spiralling books with a balance at the end of the page.  Generational wealth being passed on also causes unfairness – allowing children of the rich to have a better start and greater resource behind them to become themselves rich, while people from poor backgrounds have to compete with absolutely nothing in an open market against their endlessly funded counter-parts, and that creates a massive layer of discontent and lack of motivation anyway.
Seems to me we have a big problem here with our generational pass on… so… can we ditch generations? 

Ok… fresh page.

Here’s what I got so far.  Everyone is born equal, given a standard of education made as fair and equipping as we can.  After compulsory education, you can apply for further education, or an innovation grant to start a business, or a job in the civil service or a nationalised industry, or a job in the private sector.
Further Education:
Those who succeed can gain jobs in the public or private sector or go on for more education.
Business Route:
Those who succeed in business succeed, and may keep the wealth they gain, and employ etc…
Those who don’t may get a job in private or public sector.
Public Sector:
There’s always a job in the public sector for every citizen.  The pay may be basic for many jobs but even if every school has 10 teaching assistants per class and every civil service department is staffed to the gills if we’re paying dole we may as well attach a job to that.  We could have much shorter work days for the dolist level worker, and have 2 shifts to a normal working day of our current society but this isn’t really a dolist level as there is work to be done and pay is hopefully enough to enjoy life comfortably.

But… this is pretty much what we have now… how do we solve the generational issues that will make this system ultimately unfair and unsustainable?  Ok… not thought this threw but lets say one generation is not allowed to share resources directly with the next.  Education is standard and equal to all who are equivalent stages of it (compulsory, and various further levels).  If you start out in business you write your business plan and apply for resources from the government, not your parents or private investors, the best people and ideas are supported proportionally.  Private investment can be acquired from any personal wealth *within* your generation, but not that of your parents and above – being born to wealth by no means guarantees your lifestyle will continue in that manner once adult – everyone succeeds of their own merit and every generation has a hard beginning.  Accommodation, contracts and tenders, salary grades – they’re all channelled through central points, so a tender for a contract from one firm generationally out of sync with all a company who could provide that service can do business but only if they aware awarded the tender by 3rd party – no direct favours or dealings.  Inheritance goes to the state, but is redistributed out to the people in the form of education and grants for business and innovation.  And on the flipside, the richer parent groups do not have to pay more for their child's education or health services than those on lower incomes (or at least not as prominent and difference… there would be difference on indirect taxation to those funds of course).  You’re not higher burdened to provide for your children but you can neither advantage them beyond good parenting.  In effect – boom and bust still exists but isn’t a population wide simultaneous recession, instead a planned isolated reset of the clock on every single 10, 20, or 30 year birth group.  And as one generation is in education, one just getting started, there’s 2 in full productive swing, and one retiring.  I think we could balance that maybe.

I don’t have a name for this… anyone got an idea?  And I’m sure it’s horribly unsustainable for obvious reasons that haven’t jumped to my mind just yet but… I think there might be something in that.  See how it goes anyway, I think we can introduce another ‘track’ or expand on the public sector group there to ensure real commitment to the sciences and stuff.  Perhaps extend Education into Academia and make it a stronger element of this made up society than it is in our current real one… or maybe there’s a better idea altogether.

Ok – I’m done,
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Phil
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For those not seeing how the comic ties in I’m using it to be cynical about how blogs that think about problems with the world are pointless, alike the one above.  Sort of self-deprecating cleverness.  Ok maybe not funny… but cleverness eh?  No?  Oh… well, maybe next time.

The White Lie
And so we come as casually as possible in the hopes that everyone watching would think that the huge time gap between this entry and the last of the same series was a planned and intended break like the spotty faced young professional in an ill fitting suit running for the bus stop attempting to change to a walk in the last 10 yards as the bus pulls mercilessly away, mocking him with some coincidental and ironic rear advertising slogan that I can’t be bothered thinking up right now.  I hope you’re completely fooled by my casual approach, and perhaps aided by your sheer joy that this series has not been forgotten and then it’s death was in fact greatly exaggerated (which keen readers amongst you will note as a hat tip to the last one in the series), and are willing to suspend your disbelief and read on as if the previous parts were but weeks ago.

For those of you who know to what I refer, that intro is best read when you assume the voice of Yahtzee from Zero Punctuation and has come out out of my head in such a fashion possibly due to the 2 hours of his reviews I just watched.  But enough of the small talk, let’s get down to our lessons!

White Lies are another sort from the ‘lies most people do’ category but unlike exaggeration for pure entertainment covered in the last part, they’re rarely fun to deliver.  White Lies are little falsities you spit out when you’re only options are to cause pain with truth, or use a lie, and ideally in a situation where there would be little consequence, or the consequence of the lie would be less than the pain of the truth anyway.  Let’s think of an example:

Bob enters the scene wearing the most ugly T-shirt space age science and careful negative design man could possibly make.  He stands next to his good friend Fred and says aloud…
Bob: “I love this T-shirt.  I saw it in the shop and thought ‘Wow!  That T-Shirt is awesome!’  I love it so much, I’ve placed all my self esteem and will to live in the mutual acceptance of my choice in T-Shirt that I now require from every other person I ask about it! Do you like it Fred?”
Fred: “Oh… wow… yeah… man that’s umm… that’s a great T-Shirt.  I wouldn’t worry about anyone who has a negative opinion of it though – if they criticise it, no matter how valid their reasoning may be, I can tell you Bob, it’ll be born of pure jealously because man - *that* T-Shirt is so fan-dab-idose-tastic that I don’t think it even need a second arm hole, nor could it befit from a little extra fabric to cover two small gaps revealing your slightly hairy nipples – it’s just… it’s just perfect!”

Now ok… you have to imagine Bob is the kind of person who never suspects sarcasm because I may have allowed a little more Yahtzee style speak influence my example there… but you see the basic premise.  Fred is using a lie to guard Bob from the consequences Bob eluded to should he discover the truth.  As a good friend, Fred might later try to engineer some cunning situation where by he spills beetroot over Bob’s T-Shirt making it seem as accidental as possible in order to spare Bob the eventual realisation when to many critics wear thin the fragile white lie Fred has placed, or indeed it may be Fred’s hope that Bob’s fanatical devotion to this garment will wane before the lie gives out and when the truth is learnt, though Bob may feel slightly betrayed by Fred’s uncovered lie, he will not descend into a deep pit of depression and despair over the affair.

And with this we see where the name comes from.  ‘White’ here standing symbolically for ‘Good’ as it does in all Medieval Fantasy, Religious Imagery, Current day MP3 Players, and South American racist organisations.  White Lies are lies on the side of good, and as traditionally lies have not been welcome on the side of good (though we’re working to change all that with this very series of course), only the smallest of lies really get reluctantly awarded this title.

So how do they help you?  Simple.  They help you make peace, they help you keep friends, they can make you popular amongst the plentiful supply of insecure people in our society.  We all use a white lie at times, and casual use will keep most things in balance – but master this set and you’ll have your own cult of devout followers with as much fanatical support for you as Bob has for his new T-Shirt.  White lies are support from the masses, and support from the masses is weight with many an important person.  I never intended to mention politicians so often when I started this series which seems odd when you consider that ‘lies’ and ‘politicians’ are two words that could easily appear one above the other on most of the Family Fortunes results sets that is likely to contain either one, but here they offer such a good example of White Lie Mastery in their every day manners and actions when at political events meeting voters in brief and civilised settings.  “Oh you are looking well” they say, “Is that real diamond?  Oh wow it’s not?  Well you really can’t tell – are you sure?”  The politician is assuming they’d rather hear that than have hurt feelings by saying the jewellery looks cheap, knows there’s no likely negative consequences for saying it looks nice, and has just gained personal support from the person for saying so.  Master these at an early age and you could very well find yourself the elected leader of the known universe by 30.

Your homework for this session:
Make 5 strangers like you by complimenting something they take pride in that actually sucks.
Extra Credit: Make someone who dislikes you like you using carefully placed and sincerely executed White Lies.
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Phil
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Hey hey!

So Christmas was good.  A very welcome break with a good series of days off and nothing to worry about.  I think Christmas started the weekend before the big day when I went shopping with Caleb.  That Saturday I really needed to get all my shopping done and done, so it was a marathon trip to the Trafford Centre with a checklist of names and my shopping wingman to help keep me focused.  A retail centre novelty fountain of coffee and six hours later, we sat down in a mock New York Bar & Grill for a well earned thick cut burger, and then into the Odeon to finish of the night.  Actually, not quite to finish off - after that I dropped in on MJ and saw an old friend from uni who was over too, swapped stories of IT horror and played the recent Prince of Persia release till the early hours before heading home feeling something like I imagine Santa does the week before Christmas, having just made his full logistics inspection of all the big day preparations and setup.

The following week saw me briefly in the office but mostly playing x-box, watching DVD's, and wrapping presents.  That line of activity, minus the present wrapping continued through the holidays so indisputably that in hind sight I must confess I did not contribute much to the success of Christmas.  I think I'm still riding on the wake of a few years back when my family made me suffer though a Butlins Christmas.  I think my parents now take especial care to make sure I have a hassle free Christmas which is perhaps a bit undeserved, but I had been working a lot lately and I was too glad of the rest to rock that particular boat, but I can at least say how much I appreciated it.

The Wii featured heavily, with all members of the family from nephew to Grandma taking part.  My parents have since kept the daily fitness program going and are now desperately searching for a Wii Fit to add to their collection of glossy white Nintendo wonders sitting amongst the other LED baring array of home entertainment devices under the TV.

Sues has also made a Christmas appearance in Merry Old Rochdale, having stayed a few nights up to today.  We mostly shopped (although I should make the point very clear that in no way this a suggestion that this is all she would want to do, and as I do, I should say that Sues has extremely broad cultural and experiential horizons that she is ever seeking to increase and enrich), and watched a little West Wing, but for both of us as well as time to catch up it was a time to unwind and relax isolated from the normal working lives that consume our thoughts perhaps that little bit too much.

And so no we are here, staring 2009 squarely in the eyes.  For me 2009 is likely to be full of challenge, we've got a pretty steep project map laid out at work that stretches the whole year through that may require nothing short of weekly miracles to keep it running up to speed, but on the plus side, the project is a fresh one, rebuilding our core systems from the ground up with a chance to make good on the hindsight and lessons we've learnt from the current system.

Outside of work, I should make some effort to take care of my body a little better.  I don't often give thanks to the poor thing, it's not a bad one and this year I've been hard on it and it's not let me down.  I should be grateful and not push it through another 12 months in sleep deprived caffeine induced elevated heart levels - I might not make good on this I know but I should maybe join some club based exercise thing or something.  Put a bit of regularity into the week and of course, new ventures bring new people so that should add a new element to social quarters.

Anyway - here's to 2009!  Hope it's a good one for you all,
Until next time,
Be good,
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Phil
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I’m agonising over this.  On the one hand we have the Xperia X1 and on the other we have the HTC Touch Pro.

They’re both very similar top-end all singing all dancing super phones.  They’ve got more memory and processing power than any other phones available, they have GPS, high speed internet, large storage capabilities, a long range of bluetooth capabilities, wifi, USB inc. master capabilities, and they… well it’ll probably be a shorter post if you assume they *can* do anything any other mobile device can do unless it’s said they can’t…

X1:

Selling Points
# It has a unique ‘panels’ interface, that allows you to change your ‘home’ page to one of 9 choices at the touch of a button.  The 9 choices you have at that touch can be changed so really there’s limitless possibilities, if only I could think of limitless things I want my homepage to and people could be bothered to make them, this would be awesome.  In fairness… I would like a homepage for work, socialising, and car computer functions but… that’s all… and there’s no real reason why I can’t just have an application for each of those things.
# It’s got the Sony media software in it – the kind of thing you have on the PSP and that all handles pretty nicely.
#
What’s Missing
# The Xperia X1 does not have an accelerometer.  That means it can’t tell if it’s being tilted or moved – it doesn’t have a digital compass or a g-sensor.
# The slide out keyboard has very small keys – so small they’re a little difficult to use, at least at first.
# I don’t believe the interface is not perfectly smooth when you’re changing ‘panels’.

Touch Pro:

Selling Points
# It’s got a higher resolutions screen than just about any other mobile device.  It’s full VGA.
What’s Missing
# The Touch Pro doesn’t have a headphone jack.  It has a mini-USB hybrid thingy that you can plug and adaptor into if you just want it to act as a mini-jack.
# It’s got the smallest screen of pretty much every phone in this genre.  It may even be too small… though it’s hybrid USB thingy is also a VGA out with the right adaptor… so you can probably turn a digital photo frame or a pc monitor or just about any screen you can find into your own little movie theatre if you have the cable on you… but… I’m not going to carry the cable with me.

Conclusions
The X1’s larger screen, panel interface, and headphone jack means it has a little more in the ‘extras’ category, but the lack of accelerometer, that the panel shizzle stresses out the hardware in places, and the tiny physical keys makes me think the Touch Pro is going to be just a little more fun/nicer to use.
I think I want the touch pro… but… I think I’d be happy with either.  Guess it comes down to what I can get the best deal on now, but if anyone has any bias for one or the other do let me know.
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Phil
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In my culture, there is a saying. 

Fate protects fools, little children and ships named "Enterprise"

I hope that saying proves true as I place myself squarely in the first category.  I have decided to stay in my current work place, despite the record of the past year, or that nobody ever stays in the job I find myself in for more than 12 months, or that everyone who's left has assured me the world beyond is so much more pleasant to live in, where the grass actually is greener.  Not that I doubted it was - the grass in our workplace makes Modor look like Centre Parcs. 
I remember the teams late Lead Developer, Matthew, God rest his soul... I remember one day he stood over the conference table in the centre of our room and started explaining the situation he was in.  He was caught in a political battle with a manager from the business side of the company.  Allegations were being made about Matt's work and some of the higher ups were taken in by them.  He'd been arguing his case for days if not weeks now, and before I go any further I should explain to all that don't know Matt that he's a damn genius.  I don't know of a better developer, and I'm not being figurative there - he can produce at least three times the output I can, and I'm not below average myself.  He's a guru on a fair range of technical aspects and there seems no limit of how much skill he can absorb.  So it's fair to say he had not fallen short of any reasonable expectation - but there were heads rolling higher up (a permanent state of affairs), and in a bid to deflect heat, some of those in the firing line had pointed the finger at him.  So there he stood, pouring his frustration out to the only people in the building capable of understanding his breakdown of the situation when his nose started trickling blood into spattered patterns on the light wood table top.  That just about sums up the job of lead developer.  I should also point out that Matt is a pretty chilled out person in life, and to get him this worked up is not easy.

So am I stepping into that?  Well no - I'm not quite that stupid.  Things have got a lot better the last 2 months.  There's a lot less politics making it's way into our room, and that which still comes through seems easy to handle in the wake of the months that precede it.  All the developers now enjoy the safe enclosure of a closed door policy and several procedures that maintain a distanced and professional record of requests and work, so problems of that nature can be swiftly resolved in future.  And it's getting better.  More procedures, stable team (touch wood), and a better package.  It's still a mad place to work, and we are still very much aware that while the pressure has been told to build up outside our door -  it's still there.

This may have been a terrible decision.  I may be taking on more than I can handle.  But there's been a bit or carrot dangling and in fairness, working here has jumped my position, experience, and pay far faster than any sane work place would have.  Plus, if I do suffer a complete breakdown at the hands of the burn out mentality, when I come out of rehab, and eventually take a new job in another office - it'll seem like heaven to me.  As the song goes, "If I can make it there, I'll make it anywhere!".  Between me and you, I think I handle trial by fire well... and to give them their dues, the rewards for those who come up with the goods can be more than fair.

So... because I want to see the recent positive turns work out, because I don't want to leave the team now, because there's some career boosts yet to be had, and, because I am in some areas, the man there now... I'm hanging in for double jeopardy. 

Paramedics on speed dial.

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Phil
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For those not paying attention, I currently work as a Software Developer in a Financial Services group, and the last few months have been quite a gruelling period of difficulties and discouragement for the IT department there.  The company has been unable to keep a Manager or Director for the department, work demands have been extremely high, and key knowledge of the team has been lost when various developers have resigned.  For those of us who have remained, taking up the strain has been quite stressful and the environment of the company has been at times unpleasant.
Most recently, I've been moving into a team leadership role, performing as a Lead Developer by distributing work load, providing a reference for technical questions, and acting as a solid authority on system design.  In part... well, no, in full - I feel surprisingly unprepared to step into that role, but even more surprisingly, nobody on the team seems to have spotted that yet.  Even more importantly, we seem to have a manager who looks like he might stay, someone who's raised the moral and put some plans in place - whether we'll pull them off or not is another matter but an approved plan is more than we've had hope for in a long time and there's a certain buzz about it.  Even more importantly than that - we've got a pretty solid team now.  Everyone has distinct strengths and there's a great skill base amongst us.
So up up up, as work hours get longer, productivity strains that little bit higher, and promises of investments and bright futures grow to match.  I've been spending a lot of my time at or thinking on work, and enjoying the chance to develop my skills in a more.. business and management direction too.

It was all fine.  Then I got a call from my agent, telling me he's found the perfect job for me.  "Oh, actually I've just had a promotion and things have changed a lot at work - I'm not really looking for a new job right now." I explained.
"That's such a shame - I think you fit the job spec very well and it's a great place to work - I've placed another client in there a few months ago and spoke to him last week.  He's finding it a great environment - are you sure you don't want to just have a look?"
"Hmm... no.. no - I'm going to stick where I am for now - it's a great opportunity here, but thanks anyway."
The call ended and I went about my business, only to get a call a half hour later from the persistent agent, "I know you said no, but when I told them you'd been promoted they were understandably keener - they've seen your CV and think you might just be the right fit for this post, would you consider an interview at all?  If you find it's not the job for you - at least you'll know, and wont be wondering about it down the line."
I was baited by the undeniable reasoning, "Y...Yeah... ok.  An interview can't hurt."
The interview was arranged and in keeping with best English working traditions, it took the form of a 'Doctors Appointment' in my agenda, and when the day rolled round, I diverted my morning commute to Manchester city centre to meet my would-be employers.
It went well.  Really well.  By the end of the interview, the 3 of us were bouncing ideas off each other and sharing in small talk, having satisfied their requirements for a strong technical candidate with a tick in a fair few other boxes.  I don't mind admitting the experience has been a great boost to my professional ego as they seemed quite taken with me and I with them and the set up at the large '.com' ever growing company.  The job involves web programming, and is, in a relative structural sense, a lesser position than I face at my current workplace, but none the less the salary would be better, the stress less and team support more, with distinctly real advancement prospects down the line after much valuable development of my programming and technical skills.

So then... why stay?  It does seem a better job - but let's not forget to factor in 'Recruitment Goggles' which are naturally being used on the new company, so it does all seem prettier.  Despite that, I think it genuinely *is* a nicer place, but... I'm kind of... well I don't want to let the the team down by leaving them just when we're finally getting the chance to change this terrible cycle of rubbish management relations.  Just when stability looks like a realistic goal... to leave the team and cause such disruption that could lose them that, and with all the hard work we're all putting into it - I'm not saying I owe the company my loyalty but, perhaps I feel loyalty to the team and to our new manager who seems like a decent guy.
Doesn't that make me a prize fool though?  I mean - a serious grade-A gullible idiot.  Am I not going to end up hating myself for having passed up a good opportunity for an organisation that will happily cut me lose a year from now with as much scorn as it can muster, or ignore my desire to progress and park me in a dead end post that I can work in as long as I like with never a word of recognition and as much aggro as I can take... I'm clearly mad for even entertaining the thought that I'd be valued as highly in my current work place as I would be in the new one.  Yet... I'm still sat here trying to convince myself with this post, instead of tapping out the keys of a resignation letter.  I think.... I think... the thing is - I'm like a Swiss Army Knife.  One of the new ones that has a USB flash drive in it.  I'm a multi-tool with a decent repository of information built in - I can switch and flex to cover and assist in multiple roles.  I don't only do C#, I also design systems.  I don't just make reports, I also support XML feeds.  I've seen the full system lifecycle up-close and personal every step of the way, and I've worked in all kinds of different situations from high pressured finance offices to musty portacabins in the middle of a park.  I do well at a lot of things, and a chaotic place like Churchwood with a small core team can really use a guy like me.
The new place... they want a C# developer.  Other skills... they're a bonus, but they want C#.NET and that's about it.  If they have a problem with a stored procedure taking too long... they have a team that handles that.  If they have a problem with an infrastructure set up.... they have a team who can handle that.  If I want a coffee... they have a team who can handle that.  From me, they want code... and maybe... maybe I wont be as broadly utilised?  And I'm sure I wont be anywhere near there best developer in the same was a Swiss Army Knife doesn't make the very best screw driver, though given time in the job I suppose I'll get specialised at it.  I think I need them but... do they really need me?  In fairness - they have shown they really want me at any rate, and ironically, would be better to me for coming on board than my current employers would ever be for staying, despite my current employers being a bigger business and needing me far more... in fact now I get to that point, I see how damn stupid this whole situation is - no wonder I can't process it - it makes no sense.  I want to be in the place where I'm the most value, and be valued the most for being there.  How is that not what everyone else involved in this would want?  How is that not the decision I'm being faced with?  That would be easy!

Right... well... pages of ranting on... I still can't say I've made up my mind.  I think I'm staying.  Damn it - I'm staying aren't I?  I'm really f'ing stupid... if I've not learnt my lesson by the time I'm 30 could one of my good friends please put me out of my misery and just shoot me.  Bleh - I'm going to sleep. 
If anyone has any prophetic words from The Almighty, or indeed, just any plain old good advise, be sure to let me know.  But be quick, cos I'm gonna be making this bad decision stick very very soon.
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Phil
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The Exaggeration

Exaggeration is fun!  We all do it from time to time - it's a little increase on what the truth really was rather than a complete swap out, and it make all those anecdotes so much more entertaining, or those sermons so much more hard hitting, or a subtle point so much easy to see.  Yes this is another kind of lie that if used well, can have a positive effect, and what's best - they're often fun to make up.

The trick to a good exaggeration is believability.  Remember those delivery skills you've been practicing?  Well they'll come in helpful here, but you also have to keep in your mind and internal consistency to stay within the boundaries of reasonable expectation.  I think the fun comes fro the 'thinking on your feet' territory you find yourself in because of the consistency rule, when you make an exaggeration you must now add that into your mental score of the series of events, and make any changes to the rest of your story that would have been effected by the exaggerated part.  Let me offer some form of bad example for you...

Tony and Bill were in the park, walking by the pond while putting the world to rights.  Bill stumbled on a lose stick and his left foot slipped into the pond, providing a great source of amusement to the men as Bill stood there balancing himself carefully.  Tony extended his arm and to help Bill out of the pond, and steadied with the arm, Bill pulled his left leg out and back onto dry land.
"Oh no," said Bill, "my shoe!  I lost my shoe!", as indeed he had.  this really only added to the humour, as Bill was not really upset about the loss and more amused by the predicament that he is far from home with only one shoe.  Tony was in hysterics, but as Bill rung out as much water as he could from his sock and trouser leg, tony suggested there was a shoe shop near by and if Bill stays here, he will go and get a cheap pair to get Bill home in.
Some time later Bill has his new shoes and they head for the bus to return home, chuckling all the way.

Later in the pub, Tony is telling this tale, and says that Bill fell right in - an exaggeration but one that adds much to the humour of the story.  The problem now is that they'd never have been allowed on the bus if Bill was completely soaked, so that initial exaggeration is going to have to be followed up by further exaggerations - Bill had to sit by the pond behind some bushes wearing soaked through clothes while Bill went hunting round the shops for trousers and T-shirts and everything.  Of course... now Bill is going to have to get changed in the middle of the park amidst the bushes - again - very funny to think your mate Bill was having to do and why not suggest the clothes weren't all that brilliantly matching either.

So you see, as with most lies, one must lead to another, and soon every element of the tale is exaggerated to match the first point.  After all - Tony did go hunting round shops, and Bill was sitting by some bushes waiting for his return.  He did change into the new shoes and socks on Tony's return.  Only the amount of clothes were affected by the lie 'fell right in', and the bus trip at the end forced the other alterations in the story to compensate for a necessary truth.

It's not just for kicks though - exaggerations most powerful use is to add weight to something that while largely true, doesn't really carry as much as you need it to.  For example, I need my boss to authorise the purchase of a new server but really it's not actually an emergency - it's just it would be really helpful.  I know budgets are tight, and that some manager down in admin is talking up her need for a new uber printer that frankly, she does not need any more than I need the server, in fact less, and so - I might exaggerate the need for the server - throw in the word 'critical' a few times where it doesn't need to be, and my boss is now able to make the right decision of buying the server, which I had I been boringly honest about, could not have been chosen over the printer (because the admin manager was also exaggerating the needs see).  The responsibility you carry here is not to exaggerate your case over a case that actually is the better choice - even if neither is critical.  In the above situation, you make you best business case call, and if really a massive printer for admin would be the best way for the company right now, then don't use your jedi-lie powers to get your server.

Your homework for this session:
Take an ordinary event that happen to you and entertain as many people as you can with an exaggerated version.  The more they are entertained and the more boring the original events were, the more bonus points you get.
Write about your experiences.
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Phil
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The Misinformed/Mistaken
Politicians fall back on this one all the time when they're under scrutiny.  Actually that's potentially a bad example as in truth, they're usually lying about having lied in this manner when in fact they lied in a much greater way and are now lying about in what way they lied so people will think they didn't really lie at all.  But then... that's politics. 
This lie is another that really might not deserve to be on the list - but then... perhaps in some cases it does, more so when you're making an assertion that you really have no reason to be sure of yourself.  For example, you read once in a magazine that people with dark hair prefer coffee to tea.  For whatever reason, you believed this to be true and when asked what drink we should make for Bob, who has not yet arrived but is known to have dark hair, you assure everyone else involved in the decision that he's a coffee drinker.  If he is not - you didn't lie - you simply explain that you were misinformed about the preference.  Wow... that example is possibly the most sucky example ever given.... but I can't be bothered re-writing one so... you get the idea.

Misinformation is obviously passive - it's only a 'lie' in that you should be more humble about you opinions - you don't really know - you're just assuming you're right.   But it's not really your fault... or is it? 
The most practiced of liars will find they can actively use this category by varying their own threshold for accepting information.  Try to be sure of as little as possible, as this will allow you to hold several contradictory facts in your head which you may pick from as a lie of misinformation when one becomes advantageous to believe.  They are especially effective and blame-free if you can really teach yourself to rapidly believe things you're not actually sure of, and in order to really make use of this lying real-estate, you need to get yourself a constant wide flow of trash information - bulletin board websites, magazines, tabloids, any news service owned by Fox - read them regularly and don't reject or accept what you learn - siphon it into a little reserved box of potential information.  Over the years - this will become a great resource to you.

Your most common usage will be to achieve an ulterior motive.  You didn't necessarily believe that Bob liked coffee when you arrived, but you have some reason to believe he does in your 'trash box' and you'd noticed there were only 3 tea bags left.  You knew Susan and Kelly only drink tea, and though you drink either - you really fancy a tea - so you tell yourself whatever you need to tell yourself to make you sure of that coffee/dark hair thing you read.  If you don't believe the potential truth that dark haired people like coffee, it's not misinformation - that's disinformation, which is basically a bold faced lie - but if you can justify your assertion to some level, then it's valid for the table.  It's all about flexible thresholds - and perhaps not everyone can pull this off, but if you can - they're far better than bold faced lies as they're equally potent with no blame associated.

If you want more examples - you'll find plenty of this in any sales/advertising department, or ripe throughout the ages in any evangelical religion.  Women have less ribs than men... There's an insect in Canada that can not have evolved... My friends friend couldn't walk and is now healed... yadda yadda.  All believable to many, all reasonable things to say, all supportive of a point... not one you actually definitely know to be true.

Your homework for this session:
Since you need a bank of potential misinformation before you can use this category, it's difficult to have an practical homework.
Instead, find yourself 3 regular channels of misinformation and set up a routine that will bring you to take in this source regularly.  Think about spreading the topics, such as science, art, something business related, psychology, etc.
Remember to siphon the information into a special box - you don't believe it, but you're not making any effort to reject or question it yet - the decision is pending.  This requires a certain amount of mental flexibility - meditate on the technique and try to practice these lies as soon as you can - it may take some a while to get the hang of them, while others will find they have a natural gift.
Write about your experiences.

Oh and just so you know how it ended, Bob hates coffee, but doesn't blame you for taking the last tea, it was an honest mistake.  He just drank water.
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Phil
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The Bare Faced Lie

As this clearly demonstrates... playing word association with your friends is a good way to waste two hours while yeilding no relevent material for a comic.

The term 'Bare' meaning 'unhidden', 'in plain sight', 'without deceit'.  These are barely worth mentioning (see what I did there?) on a list of lies, and I probably wouldn't had people not told me off for them on so many occasions.  These are the kind of lies that are obviously lies and are most often found in sarcasm. 
A good example of a bare faced lie was a few weeks back at the office when my workmate (ex-workmate now) Dan asked me if another workmate, Russ, was coming in today.  "No," I replied, "He got accepted at that McDonalds near his house and he's just quit this job.", my face being straight and my voice assuringly assertive, Dan didn't doubt what I was saying - his eyes widened and his mouth breached in surprise for a few moments before he responded, 
"Really?!" he said, looking now out of the window considering the impact this would have on the team. 
"N... well, no - of course not." I said, cocking my head slightly to the left and staring down to make sure he received the full feeling of shame for this moment of gullibility.
"Oh..." he said, running the conversation through his mind again then slapping himself on the head for having been so silly, "Right, yes, of course not - that's stupid... why on earth did I... you just said it so... I can't tell when you're lying and for some reason I apparently accept everything you say without thinking."
Dan decided for the time he remained with us (something like 3 days) he would vocally weigh up absolutely every assertion I made to him, to ensure he did not fall prey to such pitfalls again.

Alternatively, the bare faced lie may be presented plainly as a lie, such as laughing while saying it, or giving simultaneous evidence to the contrary while it would otherwise be quite a reasonable thing to say.  For example:
Mr K: "Would I make a good team leader?"
Mrs C: "Hee hee - Yes, I think so.  Hee hee, hee... ... HA HA HA HAH!"

Finally, they could be convincing in both delivery and credibility, but be rapidly followed by a withdraw:
"Can I have a doughnut?"
"Umm no - sorry - they're not mine."
"Oh ok."
"Nah - just kidding, help yourself."

You can imagine, such lies have limited use.  I suppose they're a fairly easy source of low potency humour.  they also work as decoys - if you don't want to answer truthfully, but don't want to really lie - tell a bare face lie and try to make it a funny one, then move the conversation on quickly.  The most valuable use of these lies is that being harmless and with nothing to lose, they're an excellent category to practice your delivery skills with.  They're the 'blank rounds' of lies.  They're pretty much free and there's plenty of opportunity to fire them off so fill your pockets and go nuts.

Your homework for this session:
Try to tell an easy barefaced lie - something barely untrue, but keep your delivery confident and reassuring.  A good technique is to connect the lie to several provable truths, proving them will then give credibility to the lie.
Once you've successfully placed a falsehood in someone's mind, try and place something slightly less believable in the same way.  Repeat this process until you find it hard to convince the person - then practice at that level. 
Try to really pin down a convincing delivery strong enough to plant as ridiculous a lie as you possibly can. 
Write about your experiences.

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Phil
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